Zander Drives Cars

Cargument: noun (verb, cargumenting): “to argue about cars on the internet, superficially, without any actual conclusion or reason to do so.” Example sentence: “These two people who’ve never been in the same zip code as a Rimac are having a cargument over if it sucks or not.”

Well, well, well, you’re locked in a heated debate on TheDrive’s comment section. Classic. Let’s pick a scenario: how about a hypothetical hybrid V12 supercar from a prominent Italian car manufacturer. Your opinion? It’s good. What’s not to like? No issues here. Your opponent’s opinion? This car is the spawn of satan. Nothing has ever been as bad as this piece of machinery. The whole company should go under and executives shall be executed for letting this idea leave the boardroom. Both of your comments have like, three likes, but you want more. How do you cargument? How do you beat them? Luckily for you, I know a thing or two, unfortunately.

“Nuh-uh!”

This is the easiest tactic. Seem open-ended? Exactly! All you need to do is just say “no.” Don’t add any reason as to why you’re saying no. Just say it. What is there to criticize?

Example:

Racerboiiii96: “The new electric Mercedes G-Wagen is stupid.”

You: “No.”

Pull the ol’ Ronald Reagen

This one is best suited for electric cars, but you could probably make it work talking about pickup trucks or whatever noise Dodge puts out. Do you like electric cars? Sounds pretty un-American to me. Oh, you’re not American? Get your socialist rear end off my feed and go back to your bicycle, hippie. Get really, really, patriotic for no reason. Like, shift the entire argument political, because politics and cars are basically vanilla and chocolate now.

Example:

LilithFairLuver: “I think the Inoiq5 N is an enthusiast car.”

You: “Where are you from, The People’s Republic of Commiefornia? Go back to your windmill, Euro-poor.” (follow that up with a few sideways laughing-crying emojis)

Quote someone you don’t know

Sure, you may have never even seen a Pagani Hyura, but you know who has? Right! That super popular YouTuber that we treat as god. Well, their opinion is the same as mine, so naturally that means it’s right. I mean, it’s almost like I have driven it at this rate.

Now, I’ll break character for a moment and say that this probably is the “best” way to respond out of all of these expert tips because at least you’re getting your information from someone who has driven it. However, your parasocial relationship with someone who was flown out to Italy to drive whatever it is they drove doesn’t equal you actually knowing what any car drives like.

Example:

ObviousBait69: “Not sure about those power figures, might seem a bit lethargic.”

You: “Um, actually, HypercarRedhead said it was the COOLEST car that they’ve ever driven and one time they liked my Instagram comment so we’re basically best friends now.”

“My dad works at Nintendo and he can get your account banned”

This is a last-resort tactic. Say you’re cargumenting about a rumor. Not just any rumor, but a car rumor. Here’s the rumor: the car is coming back. Maybe. We don’t know. Now, it would be more than likely correct to assume that, without anything official, it’s probably not true. But, you have a secret weapon: your brother’s cousin totally works at Car Company INC and he told you specifically when the car is coming and every detail about it. Make sure you’re lying about everything, though. Like, pure speculation. Bonus points if you insert this under a friendly discussion where nobody seems to be actually cargumenting.

Example:

Alitalia4lyfe: “I don’t know, I don’t see Honda bringing back the S2000.”

You: “Um, my dad’s girlfriend Candy works at Honda and she said that they’re developing a new S2000 that’s going to be a roadster with a manual transmission and 450hp and it’s also going to cost $28,000 and they’re not going to make it electric because electric cars are for weak men and Honda is so cool.”

Pure, unadulterated, schizophrenia

This one sort of falls in line with the Reagen. Instead of saying something with any actual meaning, why not just let your medically undiagnosed self be true, and ravage everyone who disagrees with you. Spam them with sentences void of punctuation, use grammar that nobody could consider “proper,” talk about the deep state, and complain about a different brand. Godspeed.

Example:

Normalguy99: “I actually like the new Volvo EX90.”

You: “okay see that’s where your WRONG back in my day those cars could be driven to death and now they’re owned by the CHINESE and they use their reverse cameras to spy on us and they can shut down the car because they dont want us leaving and that’s how they control the mass population and now the big tech mafia put the chip in our brain when we sleep so we think about the cars ur talking about and the only people who buy them are the same eunuchs who let the fluoride in the water make their decisions for you because the volvos i used to know were made out of steel and now that the communists wont sell us steel we cant build real cars and whenever u complain u get put on a list my friend todd had someone in a black suburban follow him for six months because he told the truth about the cars we drive and its people like YOU who let them make you think what you think and when the revolution happens and the sheeple get penned in the corner with their estrogen shots were going to be the ones who saw the light and saved the real true people”

Now you know how to cargument!

Well, students, congratulations! You passed! Now you know how to be the bane of every Instagram comments section while simultaneously being an r/cars top poster. Go onward with this knowledge whichI am confident you will all use for good. Happy 2025.