Zander Drives Cars

Hi! I’m back. I know it’s been like, what, two months now? Yes, but, I’m not going to miss the second anniversary of the website that lets me play pretend with the automotive journalist profession. And while no, I don’t have a special car to review for this momentous occasion, I figured that I have enough dumb stories, mishaps, and quarrels (I English good) to make up something interesting for you all to read. So, without anything further, here are some behind-the-scenes stories from yours truly.

1. The Time I Locked Myself in an Infiniti

For reference, this was only the second car I ever got ahold of. I was given an Infiniti QX55 for the afternoon by a local dealer and decided that the best place to take it for pictures was a small gravel lot on the campus of my high school. None of that is relevant, at least the last half of that sentence. So, let’s get to the good part. I had gotten into the second row of the 55 to grab some rear seat shots. Done, easy. I pulled on the door handle. It did not open. “Child lock, great,” I said, probably. So, I went to the other door. Nothing. That’s when I started to panic, and when I panic, I do not think rationally. See, what I could have done was simple: lean over the front seat, press a button, and release the child lock. I did not do that. Instead, I trusted myself over the rear seats and in the very, very tight gap between the headrests and roof, shimmied my way into the trunk, and climbed out through the rear hatch. Dischevelled, all I could think about was how happy I was that nobody saw me, except for the USPS delivery woman who asked me, half serious and half in mild bewilderment: “You good?”

I just crawled out the back of a Nissan Rouge with ventilated seats because I forgot about the child lock. I couldn’t be better.

2. When The Police Arrived

This one was the GMC Sierra 1500. On a hot July day, I arrived at a parking lot that I had used to get pictures in many times before, and by “many times,” I meant once back in May for the Honda Accord. Anyway, twenty minutes in, while standing in the bed of the Sierra taking a 5/10 selfie, I noticed a Baltimore County Police Department Explorer roll up behind me. I assumed he wasn’t coming to photobomb me. I’m not going to lie and say this guy was a dick, he wasn’t, and I was on private property, but the humbling experience of having to explain that this is not your car and that you run a third-rate automotive website that nobody has ever heard of definitely soured my mood. Thankfully, the officer was cool enough to pretty much tell me to scram, professionally. Needless to say, it was a quiet ride back to the dealership.

3. And Again…

The car: the new BMW 5-Series. The location? A park in Annapolis. Specifically, and this is important, a parking lot of a park with a baseball field in it. Even more specifically, a baseball field with children in it. Apparently, some Karen thought that a 19-year-old dweeb taking photos of a brand new, $60,000 BMW in a parking spot as far away from a field with like, six kids in it, was “being creepy.” Unlike last time, a Chevy Caprice pulled up and out came two very nice officers of the law who pretty much took one look at the situation and recognized that I was not a pervert looking to add to my collection, and was in fact, a 19-year-old dweeb doing yadda yadda yadda. They didn’t even ask for my ID. That’s how stupid this was. Those kids sucked at t-ball anyway.

4. “Hey, Sorry, I’m Actually Super Busy Today”

One of the best parts about working with dealers is working around their schedules. Now, I don’t want to bite the hand that feeds me, trust me, I do that plenty on the car account, but imagine driving 35 minutes in 22-degree temperatures to meet someone who ends up basically sending you a “whoops, lol.” text. I’ve missed out on C8 Corvettes, V90CCs, hell, even an XM. I don’t really have anything more to say about this other than it gave me an excuse to go to IKEA White Marsh and pick up meatballs, a Djungleskog, and a frogenskulgen. I made that last one up.

5. All The One Sentence Stories

1. The time I confidently walked into a Honda dealership asking for the name of a guy who works at a Mini dealership
2. The time I realized that the guy at Porsche coming with me on the shoot was the big brother of my exes’ best friend. No, I didn’t text her after.
3. Let me set the scene for this fun interaction, I am at the Chicago Auto Show, asking the representative of a large Japanese automaker if they could open the door of their big new electric flagship vehicle. Them: “Are you MotorTrend?” Me: “No.” Them: “Then no.”
4. That time the Audi SQ5’s truck malfunctioned and would not close, and I was stuck in a parking lot for like, 25 minutes in February turning the car off and on.

And with those mildly embarrassing TMI stories, I say a big “thank you” to everyone who’s read my nonsense for two years. I joke about what I do, but I love it, dearly, and now that I’m a year off from being 21, I might be able to do this semi-professionally now. Zander Drives Press Cars, anybody? But hey, maybe I’ll actually get some cars on here in the coming months. Right? Yeah, right. Stay tuned.