Zander Drives Cars

I know, bold title, right? Look, here’s the thing: I am excited for what’s next for this car. Yes, I know this car’s future might have a turbo 4-banger or a hybridized version of this very V8, but nonetheless, the next generation of E63s will be a hoot and a half. That being said, there is something that will truly be gone in the next generation boss wagon. So, before the next generation arrives, I took the recently deceased E63 S back to life to give it one final kick around the countryside.

The Exterior

Let’s get the elephant in the room out of the way first: this is a pre-facelift model. Yes, it would have been great to get a facelifted E63 S for this article, but between Mercedes basically shutting down production for a year and only making like, four of them, and nobody within a 50-mile radius of me having one, I figured that beggars can’t be choosers here.

Regardless of this being the pre-facelift model, it still looks great. It’s very stealthy. For an AMG 63 model, it actually looks quite subdued. There’s the obvious “AMG” badging and the red brakes, but when painted black, this thing just looks like a regular E-Class wagon with big wheels. I suppose if you’re after a more “look at me!” vibe, red would be a better color. Or maybe stick with the black and get the gold brakes. Now that is what I call best spec.

The Interior

Like all upper-echelon Mercedes models, the interior is a canvas upon which swaths of very comfortable leather, carbon fiber bits and bobs, and (unfortunately) piano black trim are applied. I don’t have to tell you from the photos that this is a very nice place to be, even if brown leather isn’t my forte. Also, going back to the pre vs. post-facelift models, this steering wheel is not what you’d get in the 2021-2023 model. For that, you get the same wheel albeit with piano black spokes, which while annoying, is visually a better look.

Anyway, both up-front and in the back, you have plenty of room to spread out and make yourself comfortable. You’d be hard-pressed to find a major piece of interior that is “bad” per se. Even with the aforementioned piano “Fingerprint Attraction 3000” black, there isn’t much to complain about. I couldn’t even find any Alcantara to be offended by. Plus, you even get a clock! Isn’t that lovely?

Oh, and no, the center console doesn’t squeak. That’s an old C-Class thing. Stop asking.

The Screens

In my very humble opinion, the screen setup on this generation of Mercedes models is about as good as it gets. I love what they’re currently doing on the S-Class as well, but this is just a little bit better. The center infotainment system both looks and feels great, with a million different little menus to get lost in if you so desire. Do you want to see your average G-force? Sure! Want to adjust the speed at which your buttox is massaged? Absolutely. What’s more, even though there are plenty of sub-menus and lists of things to play with, you don’t need to or have to do so, to access basic controls. Everything can be seen pretty well if you do a navigation/radio split.

As for the driver’s screen, it is much of the same. Plenty to configure, but not a lot to overwhelm you. You can change the way the screen looks, have navigational directions, also show your G-force usage, the whole shebang. But, and this is more of a steering wheel problem than a screen problem, the controls are finicky and I’m not a huge fan of the little touchpads you can use to scroll.

The Features

It goes without saying that a $130,000 Mercedes has a ton of stuff on it. On a 38-degree morning, I was supremely grateful for the nuclear-powered heated seats and steering wheel, and the massaging seats did a great job of distributing that heat to all crevices of my back. If you’re like me and don’t listen to the radio, you can connect your phone to Bluetooth and forward to Apple CarPlay or Android Auto, and can be listened to through the unbelievably good Burmester Soundsystem. These are the only speakers in the car game that rival Volvo. It even made a bad Katy Perry song sound good. Magical stuff. You also get an assortment of USB-C outlets, as well as a wireless charger because this is the future and the future needs to be less wireless, and therefore more unreliable.

As for safety, there are enough systems and radars in here that make crashing into another vehicle or person next to impossible. You have lane keep and change assist, a full BLIS system, a pedestrian avoidance system, a collision avoidance/mitigation system, an auto-brake feature, and if you do get in a crash, you have anti-whiplash protection, whatever that means.

The Drive

The Mercedes-AMG E63 S Wagon is powered by a 4.0l biturbo V8 making 603 hp and 627 lb-ft of torque, sent through a 9-speed automatic transmission sending power to all four wheels. Because of the monster power, this full-sized, family wagon goes from 0-60 in a very obscene 3.4 seconds. Keep in mind, this thing weighs 4,600lbs. The top speed is supposedly 180 mph, but tales of these hitting 200 on Autobahns do exist. Oh, and gas mileage? I got an average of 10.4 mpg. So, yeah. Ouch.

Anyway, this is the best car I’ve driven all year. I know this is like the millionth time I’ve said it, but there wasn’t a moment in this car that I didn’t enjoy. So, let’s get the complaints out of the way: this car rides harder than any other “63” AMG car I’ve ever driven. It is not BMW M levels of spine hurting, but the whole car suffers from “James May Nurburgring” syndrome. That being said, I was still plenty comfortable, and the rougher setup does mean this car feels more composed in bends, which when you’re lugging that much weight around, is important.

Launching the E63 S means you get a symphony of noise, a tiny bit of wheelspin, and a moderate-to-severe head throwback in your seat. This missile’s ability to put a smile on your face whenever you put your foot down is both terrifying but also unbeatable at the same time. The throttle response is excellent, the transmission is smooth and doesn’t become neurotic when you switch into manual mode, and (this is the best part of the whole car) it backfires like nothing I’ve driven. It’s like “pulling up to prom with your friend’s ex” levels of backfiring. Unreal.

Driving around in one of these is like having a golden retriever that wants you to play with it all the damn time. It wants you to burn gasoline and test your limits on a hilly back road. It wants you, the driver, to have fun. Not many cars from the 21st century command you in that way.

In The End…

I meant the title. This is, by far, the best car I’ve driven this year. Rarely do you find something that does so much so well. Comfortable, luxurious, “screw you” fast, practical, reliable. If you can deal with the pretty bad fuel economy, depreciation like dropping a cinder block in the Inner Harbor, and people in Accord Wagons yelling “wagon mafia!” at you, this is an excellent vehicle. And even if you can’t deal with those three downsides, you should still pick one up.

Thank you to Oliver from Mercedes-Benz Owings Mills for letting me bother him right at the beginning of his work day. They have a great selection of new and used Mercedes models, including this very boss wagon. Link to their site here.