Zander Drives Cars

Mercedes flagship models have always been unequivocally extra. They are cars to shove every piece of luxury and technology into, at a price where if you have to ask how much it is, you can’t afford it. As gaudy as these cars can sometimes be, and trust me, I’ve driven the G-Wagon, you have to respect Mercedes’ commitment to making some mind-bogglingly excessive cars. Naturally, when electrification hit the Mercedes lineup a few years ago, they weren’t going to screw around with an electric CLA. Oh no, they were coming out guns blazing, champagne flutes clinking, and second wives crying. May I present: The EQS 480 SUV.

The way the EQS line of Mercedes looks has been hotly up for debate for the better part of two years now. Honestly, I am completely indifferent on the matter. If we’re talking personal preference, the EQS SUV looks better than the regular EQS as it carries over some design and shape cues from the non-electric GLS. Otherwise, it looks like a standard large SUV. Although, the rear-side view has some strong Porsche Macan vibes going on and I won’t complain about that. I don’t normally talk about paint colors as most of the cars I drive end up being grey or black, but Mercedes’ Emerald Green looks stunning on this car and especially during the 4:30pm sunset backdrop. It makes any car look overtly classy.

The moment you climb into the EQS SUV you realize why this car costs $124,000. Every surface is covered in premium materials that put anything from BMW and Audi to shame. The grey and brown leather was sumptuous, and the Mercedes logo’d wood finish provided some extra boujee-ness to the cabin. Each seat (front and back) comes with a pillow headrest that is adjustable and removable if you so desire. My mom told me driving with a ponytail might be difficult. Speaking of those rear seats, there is plenty of room for you to manspread and you’ll be comfortable enough to lay back on any journey in which you’ve decided to tag along. Back to the front of the cabin, you have plenty of storage space for all your expensive things. There’s some center console room for your Kleenex, and a Volvo-style center console storage bin with a strap so your Don Julio won’t roll around.

Get ready: this is a big one. The EQS 480 models feature the same screen that you can find on the regular S-Class, as well as the new C-Class and AMG SL. The hyperscreen is for 580 models only and don’t worry you’ll hear about that in a couple of weeks. This system is the newest Mercedes Command system and it works fabulously. It does everything you want to do and it’ll do it quickly and without much fuss. The screen is large and easy to play with and there aren’t as many submenus as BMW or Volvo. You also get a digital driver’s display that is configurable to the point where no two displays will ever be the same. You can change everything from tire pressure to the actual physical look of the display. It’s almost too much, but so is this whole car. Speaking of “too much,” the speakers. Whenever you turn this car on and off, every speaker in the car plays the loudest wake-up and sleep tune I have ever heard. I can’t show you here, but I posted about it on my Instagram so you can hear what it sounds like. And yes, you can hear that sound from the outside of the car as well. Oh, it has an offroad mode too, which is useful for horse races.

Other useful trinkets this car has, include heated, ventilated, and massaging front seats, heated rear seats, a heated steering wheel, radar-guided cruise control, wireless phone charging, USB-A and USB-C ports, a 360 surround-view camera system, CarPlay, a Burmester sound-system, a three-zone climate system, a power moonroof, Mercedes Me *takes a breath*, configurable mood lighting, and every other safety feature conceivable.

The EQS 450 SUV comes with a 120kwh battery that gives off 355hp and 419lb of torque and will propel this 6,500lb monster to 60 in about 6 seconds. Yes, 6,500lbs. That battery does deliver 305 miles of range according to the EPA, but the 580 models will do. Load this thing with children, pets, and luggage and you’re looking at closer to 280 miles.

This is the smoothest car I have ever driven. You know when you hear the phrase “it irons out bumps” and you’re like “yeah right.” I promise you, this car actually does. Every bit of road graced by this behemoth turned into silk. Speed bumps were nothing in this car. As for the actual drive, it was nothing crazy. The acceleration is fun and like all mildly-powerful EVs, you’re sure to get a kick out of it. On back roads, the EQS handles fine. Listen, it’s 6,200 lbs. It isn’t a Miata. You don’t buy this as a track day. The regenerative braking system is also one of the better ones I’ve tested. It isn’t quite to the likes of Tesla, but it’ll do the job just fine. To adjust the severity of the system, funnily enough, you have to use these paddles on the steering wheel like how you would use “manual mode” on other cars. It’s easy to adapt to. If you’re going to take one thing away from this bit, or any bit, of this review: buy it for the ride.

Here’s the deal: this is a very unsubtle car. Everyone you meet will look at this thing and know you mean business. It’s gaudy, it’s flashy, and it’s probably a pain in the ass to deal with sometimes. Basically, it’s a Real Housewives character on wheels. My mom wants one, and so will yours.