Zander Drives Cars

The 2018 Mercedes GLS 450 is one of the few cars that can shut up Yukon driving, Tori Birch wearing, Trader Joes shopping soccer moms who have giggle fits after getting carded at a beach bar. In a sea of large three-row SUVs, the aforementioned GMC Yukon and Chevy Suburban are kings. These nine-seat barges are the backbone of the middle school midwestern mommy. However, as much as they claim to love how their barge can do everything, deep down inside, they long for a GLS. The GLS is nicer than a Yukon or a Suburban, it gives off an air of intimidation with that massive glowing star on the grille. This car means business.

Alright, a little history. The Mercedes, formerly known as just the “GL”, was launched in 2007 as an alternative to other large, three-row Luxo boxes that entered the market around the same time as the Audi Q7 and the recently revised Cadillac Escalade. The first generation GL had the option of either a 4.7L V8, making 335hp, or a 5.5L V8 making 382hp depending on the trim. This car is the second generation model released in 2013, with this particular GLS sporting a 4.7L V8 with a turbo making 362hp to all four wheels. Yes, there is an AMG version with a 550hp V8 that creams anything with a Lotus badge, but that is a different animal. This car also has the post-2016 facelift which gives the car different bodywork and a reworked interior with a larger and updated NAV system as well as lane keep assist, automatic braking, and other technological goodies that you’d expect on an $80,000 car.

Now, back to that interior. This is where the GLS puts Yukons to shame. Mercedes has always had a solid interior game, and this car is no exception. This car comes with a nuclear-heated steering wheel as well as butt-burning heated seats in the front, although the second row has optional heated seats as well. The seat controls are on the door so they’re easy to control like an Xbox controller. There is a knock-off iDrive scroll wheel, as well as a Lexus-like touchpad to control the NAV screen, Bluetooth, Apple CarPlay, chilled cupholders, and an iffy voice control system (Clarkson wasn’t wrong). Yes, the interior isn’t as cavernous as a Yukon or other land barges but it feels better put together and constructed with better quality materials. It’s like the difference between a Safeway and a Wegmans.

Driving Impressions: surprisingly tight. This car drives like something much smaller than it actually is. Taking it through windy backcountry roads, this car has absolutely no problem handling tight turns with declines and possible flocks of deer. In comfort mode the car does have a little bit of body roll, but that is to be expected of something the size of ranch home. In sport mode, the throttle sharpens up and the suspension tightens up a decent amount to give you the illusion of driving an E-Class or an A4. On the highway, it gets up to speed and can cruise without much wind noise or vibrations. That being said, putting your foot down to accelerate at speeds over about 65 will lag the engine in a way. It takes a good two seconds before the car responds to your putting your foot down, leading to an awkward twilight zone-like place where your foot is on the floor and the car holds its speed. This can easily be fixed by putting it back into sport mode which as mentioned before sharpens the throttle response.

Fuel economy? I don’t know and I don’t care, it’s not my car. If you are worried about the MPG this car gets, you shouldn’t buy this car. Okay, I just looked it up and it gets 19 city, 23 highway and 21 combined, which is actually better than a Yukon, so, ha. As you could probably tell, this is my moms’ car. She’s owned it since mid-2017 when her previous car, a GMC Acadia Denali, was impaled by a tree during a wind storm rendering the car a total loss. She drives it daily and it makes 2-3 round trip drives from Baltimore to Vermont each summer, so it’s on track to have about 100k miles on it before she gets a new phone. Did I tell you I learned to drive in this car? Yea. Talk about stressing mom out, letting her 16-year-old son drive her land yacht. Oh, also I forgot to mention, when you open the doors at night, under the mirror the car projects a massive Mercedes logo with the words “Mercedes-Benz” under it. Tacky.

So, in summary, this car is what you get yourself when you can trust your children enough not to drag their mud-filled cleats into the back of your mom’s chariot. It’s almost like this car can’t be purchased unless both of your kids passed the 13-year-old mark. It’s luxurious without being overly tacky, and it will always provide you a front-row space at Marshalls. Could be worse.